February 2010 Archives

The Bad and the Beautiful, directed by Vincente Minnelli, tells the story of a film producer who alienates all around him. It stars Kirk Douglas, Lana Turner, Walter Pidgeon, Dick Powell, Barry Sullivan, and Gloria Grahame.  The Bad and the Beautiful holds the record for most Oscars won (five) by a movie that was not nominated for Best Picture. Kirk Douglas was nominated for Best Actor in a Leading Role, but lost to Gary Cooper in High Noon. 

To honor his father's memory, Jonathan Shields (Kirk Douglas) hires extras to act as mourners at the funeral.  Each extra was promised $11.  Fred Amiel (Barry Sullivan), one of the extras, bad mouths the deceased during the funeral and Shields refuses to pay him.  Amiel then shows up at Shield's home.   We think there may be a fight, but Amiel has actually come to apologize:

AMIEL:  It's me.  Big Mouth.

SHIELDS:  You come for a fight or for your eleven bucks?

AMIEL:  The things I said at the funeral were childish and cheap.  I'm sorry. 

It's a simple, direct apology, totally devoid of defensiveness or the need to "explain."  The directness of the apology  completely disarms Shields who was ready for a confrontation.  Instead, Shields invites Amiel in for a drink and the start of a long, troubled relationship. 

On February 19^th, after a self-imposed three-month silence, Tiger Woods finally delivered a much anticipated mea culpa.  The day before, CNN invited me to write a column suggesting some themes that Woods might cover in his own apology.  How closely did my suggestions track Tiger Wood's actual statement?  You be the judge.

 

Here is the text of Woods' February 19 statement.  Here is my CNN column. 

 

The following are verbatim excerpts from Woods' statement and my column. 

 

WOODS:  Every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. 

KADOR:  I have been dishonest and you have a right to be angry with me. 

 

 

WOODS:  I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for the irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in. 

KADOR:  I again apologize to my wife and family for my inexcusable and hurtful conduct. 

 

WOODS:  To those of you who work for me, I have let you down personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners.  To everyone involved in my foundation, staff, board, sponsors, and students, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you.   

KADOR:  I apologize to my friends and colleagues.  I apologize to my sponsors and business partners.  And I apologize to sports fans whom I have let down.  To all of you, you deserved better from me.

 

WOODS:  I have no one to blame but myself

KADOR:  I have no one to blame but myself. 

 

WOODS:  My real apology to her [wife, Elin] will not come in the form of words.  It will come from my behavior over time. 

KADOR:  I understand that an effectively apology requires more than words.

 

WOODS:  I don't get to live by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me.

KADOR:  I persuaded myself that the normal rules did not apply to me.   

 

WOODS:  I never thought about who I was hurting.  Instead, I thought only about myself.  I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by.

KADOR:  In violation of all that I hold dear, I have nevertheless used a number of women for my own sexual satisfaction. 

 

 

WOODS:  I stopped living by the core values I was taught believed in.  I never thought about who I was hurting.  Instead, I thought only about myself.  I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by.  

KADOR: In the pursuit of these relationships, I lied to my wife, family, and friends. I lied to the women, who deserved better from me, I lied to my sponsors, fellow golfers, the public, and I lied to myself.    

 

WOODS:  And that starts by never repeating the mistakes I make. 

KADOR:  I have terminated all my inappropriate relationships.

 

WOODS:  It's hard to admit that I need help. 

KADOR:  It is also an acknowledgement that I can't do this without help. 

 

WOODS:  For 45 days, I was in-patient therapy for the issues I am facing.  I have a long way to go.  I am taking the first steps in the right direction.

KADOR:  Having taken a hard look at myself, and not liking what I saw, I enrolled in a program that I hope will lead to new insights about my difficulties and provide me with tools to help me stay true to my values. 

 

WOODS: I lost track of what I was taught.

KADOR:  I have violated my own values.

 

WOODS:  Please leave my wife and kids alone.

KADOR:  I ask for the privacy to concentrate on this difficult work. 

 

WOODS:  I do plan to return to golf one day.  I just don't know when that day will be. 

KADOR:  I will not participate in any golf activities for a period of one year.

 

WOODS:  I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again. 

KADOR:  I intend to use this time to . . . prove myself someday to be worthy of your respect again.

 

The race for mayor of Toronto got interesting last week when City Councillor Adam Giambrone, 32, dropped out of the race amid revelations of multiple cases of sexual infidelity and deceit.  

To his credit, Giambrone recognized his transgressions with some specificity and the effect of his conduct on different parties.  The apology he crafted embraces every aspect of my model for effective apology.  There was just one problem:  he was so overcome with emotion, he couldn't complete delivering the statement.

Here is the full text of Giambrone's apology. 

There are weeks that change your life, and this one has dramatically changed mine. This searing experience has taught me, I hope permanently, that a public career of integrity cannot survive deceit in your private life.

My mistakes have caused hurt to my partner Sarah, to my family, my friends and supporters. To them - and to the women I treated disrespectfully - in front of you, I humbly apologize.

I want to apologize as a councillor, to my fellow councillors, for the negative attention I have brought upon them and to this chamber.

I want to apologize also to the communities across this city and to the young people who believed in me. It is my sincere hope that they continue to believe in themselves and their own abilities to make positive change.

Finally, I deeply apologize to my partner Sarah. The pain she endured for my mistakes was deeply unfair to her. She has shown a lot of strength in all of this. Thank you.

At this point, Giambrone was overwhelmed by emotion and left the news conference.  His office  released the rest of the apology:

I said at the beginning of this campaign that I would listen and lead. I know I will hear from many in the city, and I will reflect on their counsel with care.

I will spend the next few days in private. My mayoralty campaign ends today. Beginning next week I will return to my normal duties as a councillor.

I will focus with renewed energy on the transformation of the TTC and on building Transit City for the people of Toronto.

Thank you to all my friends and supporters who helped us through these painful days.

Evaluation

Normally, when I evaluate apologies I focus on the language and the actions that flow from the apology, such as restitution.  I consider Giambrone's withdrawal from the race sufficient restitution.  But in this case, I'm going to take some points off his apology because of his inability to complete the delivery.  I think it's vital that an offender have the courage and integrity to face his or her victims.  If they decide to deliver an apology in person, it's vital that they follow through and not flake out.  Emotion is okay.  But withdrawing from the apology, as Giambrone did, marks his apology as less than effective.

Recognition:  A

Responsibility:  A

Remorse:  A

Restitution:  A

Repetition:  B

Overall Score:  B