Managing Means Having to Say You're Sorry
By BRITTANY HITE
Many managers and executives are lousy at apologizing. They worry about looking weak or losing credibility. But John Kador, a business author, speaker and consultant on workplace issues, thinks we need to say sorry more - and that apologizing can be good for the apologizer. He spoke with The Journal's Brittany Hite about why managers should apologize more, and how to do it well. Here are edited excerpts of the conversation.
Why do people often try to avoid apologizing?
The old-school way of thinking is [that apologizing is] a sign of weakness and vulnerability. [Leaders] often fear the apology will be used against them and that it will rattle their followers.
Should we apologize more?
Apologizing actually has benefits for the apologizer. An apology these days is a signal of confidence and strength. It signifies three attributes people now demand of leaders: accountability, transparency and humility.
What should managers apologize for, and how should they do it?
[We should be] apologizing for interpersonal mistakes that we contribute to. Whether we criticize someone inappropriately at a staff meeting, are late to a commitment, miss a deadline -- all these are opportunities for us to demonstrate integrity by apologizing without defensiveness.
Lose the excuses. Just say it straight: "I did it, it was wrong. I'm sorry. I won't do it again." Avoid conditionals, so it's not "I'm sorry, but you started it," or "I'm sorry, but I had a good reason," or "I'm sorry if you took offense." Those are not enough. Use the active verb: "I made a mistake" instead of "mistakes were made." Not "I'm sorry that your toy was broken," but "I'm sorry I broke your toy." Make sure you own the action.
One of the questions I always get is how can I apologize and maintain my position? The answer is you can't. Apologizing is accepting on some level that the other guy's facts are right.
But what if something's not entirely your fault? Should you still apologize?
What you should say is "I'm sorry" instead of "It's all my fault." That's all. If you have a fender-bender on the street, you can be decent about it and say "I'm sorry for my participation in this crash." You don't have to say "it's all my fault" because it probably is not.
Are there differences between women and men with apologizing -- are female managers more likely to apologize than men?
Women apologize more than men, and that has both its up and down sides. The upside is that the women's willingness to apologize resolves disputes and clears the air faster for departments and organizations run by women. They tend to prosper for that reason.
The downside is that some women have been socialized to appear to apologize more. When anyone starts a statement by saying, "I'm sorry but this might not be right," that's not an apology, but it is confusing. Some women apologize when they should not, and it does not serve them well.
What should CEOs apologize for more?
There are two classes: One is the personal mistakes, the ones they personally make. Using the wrong word, the wrong gesture, making the wrong decision.
The other class are mistakes they're taking responsibility for because they are the CEO. If the company messes up, or if some junior member messes up, they still need to account for it and apologize on behalf of the organization.
Executives need to be thoughtful about how they [apologize]. They should not automatically defer to lawyers to give them advice about it. An apology has a cost, but that cost is less than lying, stonewalling or cover-up. History teaches us that the outcomes for people who apologize is better than those who don't.
The CEO of Mattel, when [the company] came under fire for toys with lead-based paint from China, was really hammered. The CEO could've blamed its partners in China or tried to deny the issues, but he took every opportunity to apologize. And Mattel's sales actually increased that year. This is a very good example of how a crisis can be avoided by simply being accountable.
How has the Internet changed things?
Things now are instantly retrievable. In the old days, an offense, even if caught on film, sort of went away and you couldn't find it. Today's instant retrievability makes it so real. It also makes repetition of an offense much graver. When you promise not to do it again, you have to keep that commitment or you're going to be hammered.
[The Internet also] helps us see that no one is perfect. [President] Obama makes mistakes, and when he does, he apologizes for it. But people who see that take the cue. He was criticized for making fun of the Special Olympics [on David Letterman], but he came out and said, "That was dumb of me." That was refreshing. He said he made a mistake, but he learned from it and the story went away.
Is there such thing as apologizing too much?
That's a fair question. I don't know what is too far. Sometimes it makes sense to apologize for things you don't do or don't really own because it's the best thing to do. I'd love to see a world where people apologize too much and see how that works out, but I don't think we're close to it.
Write to Brittany Hite at brittany.hite@wsj.com
Leave a comment