Apology means giving up one's struggle with history.
Genuine apology demands that you let go of all defenses, excuses, and rationalizations for your misbehavior. When you apologize you accept that the victim's opinion of you is accurate.
It's not an easy place to occupy. We all like to think of ourselves as somewhat better than we actually are.
So even when we apologize we try to cling to the high ground.
This week's poster boy for how hard it is to apologize without defending yourself is Marcus Einfeld, a former judge in Australia who was imprisoned for perjury in March 2009.
The facts, briefly, are revealing. You can find more about the case here and here.
Marcus Einfeld, 70, retired after 15 years as a Federal Court Judge in 2001. His career was filled with accomplishments and recognition. It apparently wasn't enough.
Most people make the decision to self-destruct in quiet moments when they think no one is watching. So it was for Marcus Einfeld. On January 8, 2006, his car was captured by a speed camera doing 60km/h in a 50km/h zone along a Sydney street. It was minor traffic offense. He could have paid a $77 fine and be done with it.
His struggle with history began.
Instead of copping to the infraction, Einfeld signed a statutory declaration saying that it wasn't him behind the wheel of the car. He said he had lent his car to a former colleague, American professor Teresa Brennan. By the way, he said, Brennan had died after returning to the US.
He almost got away with it. The magistrate dismissed the offense.
A newspaper then confronted Einfeld with the fact that Brennan had been dead for three years prior to the offense.
That's the trouble with lies. They're like savings bonds. The longer you keep them, the greater they compound.
Prosecutors soon re-opened the case. Einfeld hired a PR firm and kept lying and denying and lying some more, despite mounting evidence that he was a liar.
As his story unraveled so did other parts of his life. It turns out that he had fudged his academic credentials and doctored his resume. Reports showed he had doubled-billed the government for the same items.
After denying for three years, Einfeld finally pled guilty to perjury. The judge's sentencing statement is devastating.
Incredibly, Einfeld continues to cling to a sense of himself as "honest." He admits all manner of lies, but denies that he was dishonest. "I don't think I'm in the slightest bit dishonest," says. "I just made a mistake." His apology seems contrite:
I'm desperately sorry for what I did. I'm sorry to my family, my elderly mother and my children. I'm sorry to the public at large. I told a lie, which was a disgraceful thing to do and for which I have been paying ever since.
It's [blaming Teresa Brennan] probably more shameful than the driving. Teresa Brennan ... was a wonderful person and for me to use her name is more hurtful than anything else.
His apology may sound persuasive, but as long as he continues to insist that he is basically an honest fellow who simply made a mistake, the apology is as hollow as his integrity.
His work in prison is to acknowledge that the craven dishonesty he is accused of is not only within his nature but accurately characterizes his conduct. That's when his healing can begin. That's when his apologies can begin to reach for compassion for the victims of his lies rather than redemption for himself.
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