"I'm sorry."
There's no stronger gesture than apology when confronted by discontented customers or unhappy business partners. Apology repairs relationships, reduces tensions, and avoids lawsuits. Apology is not free, but the investment is almost always less than the costs of lying, denial, or stonewalling. But effective apology takes some effort. A botched apology is often worse than no apology at all. Here are 10 tips for making your apologies as effective as possible:
1. No Ifs or Buts
The words "if" or "but" in an apology render the apology useless. Statements such "I apologize if I offended anyone," or "I'm sorry, but you started it" are non-apologies. Rather, try "I apologize for offending you" or "I'm sorry."
2. Use the active voice
The passive voice is a way of avoiding responsibility. So instead of saying, "I made a mistake," the apology comes out "Mistakes were made." Which apology would you rather get?
3. Don't Joke
Yes, we all know that humor can help defuse a tense situation, but it's better to let the apology itself do the defusing. Apology is not a laughing matter. People who feel victimized are ultra-sensitive to evidence of disrespect.
4. Don't Assume
Avoid phrases such as "I know just how you feel . . ." No one wants to accept an apology from someone who arrogantly thinks they know how you feel. The only conclusion they can draw is that you take them for granted. Instead try, "I can't imagine how you are feeling" or "I'd like to understand how you are experiencing this difficult situation."
5. Don't Ask, "What Can I do to Make it Right?"
Negotiation 101 teaches us never to make the first offer. But apology is not a negotiation. You and the victim don't get to come at this from two opposing sides and compromise somewhere in the middle. You want to be on the same side. Don't ask the victim to tell you what you can do to make it right. They need to hear that from you. Do what is fair without asking. No, do even better than fair. Be generous.
6. Take Turns
For significant apologies, it's helpful to start with a request: "This is not easy for me, so can I ask that you hear me out and then I'll listen to what you have to say?" An apology has a better chance of being effective if it is not interrupted.
7. Begin the Apology with "I"
The best way to begin an apology is with the word "I" Why? Because an apology is about an individual taking personal responsibility. Starting an apology with the word "you" tends to make people defensive, especially if they are nervous. So instead of "You have caused pain and I have caused pain. Let's end the fight. I'm here to apologize," try "I apologize. I have caused you pain. I value our relationship. I would like to end our fight and be friends again
8. Use the Person's Name
No sound is sweeter to us than the sound of our own names. Using the person's name reinforces the entire mission of the apology, which is to repair the relationship.
9. Don't Ramble
Remember that an apology is basically a sales pitch. One of the truisms of sales is, "Ask for the order, and when the customer says yes, stop talking." Rambling is risky. Say you're sorry, stop, and listen. Repeat as often as necessary. We often do a good job apologizing, but then we keep talking. When we do, we invariably end up diluting our responsibility with excuses.
10. Don't Argue
It may well be that the person you apologize to will not see events your way. That's okay. Just listen. An apology is not the place for argument or for attempting to change someone's point of view.
Conclusion
If apologies in the workplace are going to succeed, they must be dynamic, well-worded, and well-delivered. Keeping these 10 steps in mind will keep your apologies focused on the goal of making things right so the recipient of the apology can envision the beginnings of forgiveness and continue the relationship on a new, perhaps stronger, footing.
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