The Bad and the Beautiful, directed by Vincente Minnelli, tells the story of a film producer who alienates all around him. It stars Kirk Douglas, Lana Turner, Walter Pidgeon, Dick Powell, Barry Sullivan, and Gloria Grahame.  The Bad and the Beautiful holds the record for most Oscars won (five) by a movie that was not nominated for Best Picture. Kirk Douglas was nominated for Best Actor in a Leading Role, but lost to Gary Cooper in High Noon. 

To honor his father's memory, Jonathan Shields (Kirk Douglas) hires extras to act as mourners at the funeral.  Each extra was promised $11.  Fred Amiel (Barry Sullivan), one of the extras, bad mouths the deceased during the funeral and Shields refuses to pay him.  Amiel then shows up at Shield's home.   We think there may be a fight, but Amiel has actually come to apologize:

AMIEL:  It's me.  Big Mouth.

SHIELDS:  You come for a fight or for your eleven bucks?

AMIEL:  The things I said at the funeral were childish and cheap.  I'm sorry. 

It's a simple, direct apology, totally devoid of defensiveness or the need to "explain."  The directness of the apology  completely disarms Shields who was ready for a confrontation.  Instead, Shields invites Amiel in for a drink and the start of a long, troubled relationship. 

On February 19^th, after a self-imposed three-month silence, Tiger Woods finally delivered a much anticipated mea culpa.  The day before, CNN invited me to write a column suggesting some themes that Woods might cover in his own apology.  How closely did my suggestions track Tiger Wood's actual statement?  You be the judge.

Here is the text of Woods' February 19 statement.  Here is my CNN column. 

The following are verbatim excerpts from Woods' statement and my column. 

WOODS:  Every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. 

KADOR:  I have been dishonest and you have a right to be angry with me. 

WOODS:  I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for the irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in. 

KADOR:  I again apologize to my wife and family for my inexcusable and hurtful conduct. 

WOODS:  To those of you who work for me, I have let you down personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners.  To everyone involved in my foundation, staff, board, sponsors, and students, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you.   

KADOR:  I apologize to my friends and colleagues.  I apologize to my sponsors and business partners.  And I apologize to sports fans whom I have let down.  To all of you, you deserved better from me.

WOODS:  I have no one to blame but myself

KADOR:  I have no one to blame but myself. 

WOODS:  My real apology to her [wife, Elin] will not come in the form of words.  It will come from my behavior over time. 

KADOR:  I understand that an effectively apology requires more than words.

WOODS:  I don't get to live by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me.

KADOR:  I persuaded myself that the normal rules did not apply to me.   

WOODS:  I never thought about who I was hurting.  Instead, I thought only about myself.  I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by.

KADOR:  In violation of all that I hold dear, I have nevertheless used a number of women for my own sexual satisfaction. 

WOODS:  I stopped living by the core values I was taught believed in.  I never thought about who I was hurting.  Instead, I thought only about myself.  I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by.  

KADOR: In the pursuit of these relationships, I lied to my wife, family, and friends. I lied to the women, who deserved better from me, I lied to my sponsors, fellow golfers, the public, and I lied to myself.    

WOODS:  And that starts by never repeating the mistakes I make. 

KADOR:  I have terminated all my inappropriate relationships.

WOODS:  It's hard to admit that I need help. 

KADOR:  It is also an acknowledgement that I can't do this without help. 

WOODS:  For 45 days, I was in-patient therapy for the issues I am facing.  I have a long way to go.  I am taking the first steps in the right direction.

KADOR:  Having taken a hard look at myself, and not liking what I saw, I enrolled in a program that I hope will lead to new insights about my difficulties and provide me with tools to help me stay true to my values. 

WOODS: I lost track of what I was taught.

KADOR:  I have violated my own values.

WOODS:  Please leave my wife and kids alone.

KADOR:  I ask for the privacy to concentrate on this difficult work. 

WOODS:  I do plan to return to golf one day.  I just don't know when that day will be. 

KADOR:  I will not participate in any golf activities for a period of one year.

WOODS:  I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again. 

KADOR:  I intend to use this time to . . . prove myself someday to be worthy of your respect again.

The race for mayor of Toronto got interesting last week when City Councillor Adam Giambrone, 32, dropped out of the race amid revelations of multiple cases of sexual infidelity and deceit.  

To his credit, Giambrone recognized his transgressions with some specificity and the effect of his conduct on different parties.  The apology he crafted embraces every aspect of my model for effective apology.  There was just one problem:  he was so overcome with emotion, he couldn't complete delivering the statement.

Here is the full text of Giambrone's apology. 

There are weeks that change your life, and this one has dramatically changed mine. This searing experience has taught me, I hope permanently, that a public career of integrity cannot survive deceit in your private life.

My mistakes have caused hurt to my partner Sarah, to my family, my friends and supporters. To them - and to the women I treated disrespectfully - in front of you, I humbly apologize.

I want to apologize as a councillor, to my fellow councillors, for the negative attention I have brought upon them and to this chamber.

I want to apologize also to the communities across this city and to the young people who believed in me. It is my sincere hope that they continue to believe in themselves and their own abilities to make positive change.

Finally, I deeply apologize to my partner Sarah. The pain she endured for my mistakes was deeply unfair to her. She has shown a lot of strength in all of this. Thank you.

At this point, Giambrone was overwhelmed by emotion and left the news conference.  His office  released the rest of the apology:

I said at the beginning of this campaign that I would listen and lead. I know I will hear from many in the city, and I will reflect on their counsel with care.

I will spend the next few days in private. My mayoralty campaign ends today. Beginning next week I will return to my normal duties as a councillor.

I will focus with renewed energy on the transformation of the TTC and on building Transit City for the people of Toronto.

Thank you to all my friends and supporters who helped us through these painful days.

Evaluation

Normally, when I evaluate apologies I focus on the language and the actions that flow from the apology, such as restitution.  I consider Giambrone's withdrawal from the race sufficient restitution.  But in this case, I'm going to take some points off his apology because of his inability to complete the delivery.  I think it's vital that an offender have the courage and integrity to face his or her victims.  If they decide to deliver an apology in person, it's vital that they follow through and not flake out.  Emotion is okay.  But withdrawing from the apology, as Giambrone did, marks his apology as less than effective.

Recognition:  A

Responsibility:  A

Remorse:  A

Restitution:  A

Repetition:  B

Overall Score:  B

Dewey Finn (Jack Black) a rock & roll fanatic, desperate over being kicked out of a band and being unemployed, impersonates his roommate and accepts a substitute teacher assignment for a fifth grade class at a prep school.  That's the plot of the 2003 comedy "School of Rock."

At first, Dewey blows off the children, but when he overhears his pupils playing in music class he realizes that the children of his class are musically talented. He decides to turn his temporary job into what he tells them is a special class project, but is actually a personal one. Dewey wants to turn his unsuspecting students into a rock band and crew, which will serve as a vehicle to stardom.  Dewey's goal is to beat his old band at an upcoming Battle of the Bands and walk away with the $20,000 prize.

Of course, Dewey is exposed for the fraud that he is.  He is disgraced.  But his pupils believe in him and through their own initiative make the battle of bands happen.  It is at this point that Dewey realizes his selfishness.  To the students in the school bus, Dewey offers his apology:

I'm sorry that I used you guys.  I'm sorry I lied to you.  It's not cool to lie to your band.

The apology is short but very direct.  Dewey takes responsibility for two specific behaviors:  using other people for one's own needs and deception.  By claiming that "It's not cool to lie to your band," Dewey honors one of the most important powers of apology: that despite violating a value, he really is committed to a value held dear by the community he hopes to rejoin.  When an offender does so, it makes it easier for a community to forgive.

It's been two months since the world of the world's best golfer has disintegrated. 

Beginning in November with the car accident that unleashed embarrassing reports of womanizing on a scale that appears as much comic as cosmic, Tiger Woods has seen literally every aspect of his life and career unhinged.  The bionic man is shown to be just human. 

Tiger Woods had his chance to address the crisis his conduct created.  He made some decisions.  It's appropriate now to consider how well he is being served by those decisions.

From the beginning of the crisis, Woods decided to avoid engaging with the consequences of his conduct.  He did post two rather general apologies on his official Web site, but refused to do it in person.  Since then he has been eerily silent. 

Tiger, what are you protecting? 

What Is Tiger Protecting? 

And what are the costs you are paying? 

You have withdrawn from public life.  You have not played a tournament nor given a public clinic. 

Your sterling persona and reputation have been shattered by an unending series of publicity-seeking women who have sought to cash in on their stories of dalliances with the world's number one golfer. 

Almost every one of your corporate sponsors has abandoned you. 

The consulting firm Accenture had tied its entire corporate image to the perception of your coolly deliberative ability to judge accurately and act appropriately.  You are of no use to Accenture now and the firm dumped you.  The Swiss watchmaker Tag Heuer has removed your placards from stores around the world and has suspended Woods-themed advertising. 

AT&T is "presently evaluating our ongoing relationship."  Gillette has yet to make a decision, but as long as you are absent from the links, Gillette has little interest in staking its reputation on your future.  Gatorade will drop its Tiger Focus drink, though the company insists it made the decision before the scandal.  The only major sponsor that is still standing by you is Nike.

Your marriage appears to be in crisis.  Your wife, Elin Nordegren, is reported to have filed for divorce and is now living in her native Sweden.  A father's relationship with his two children--Sam, 2, and Charlie, 1--will suffer, as it does in every divorce.

No one quite knows where you are living, but you are apparently a recluse. 

What Do You Have Left to Protect?

Tiger Woods didn't have to lose so much.   

Yes, he made some very thoughtless decisions that must have serious consequences, but all was not lost.  The benefits of decades of good will and incredible accomplishment don't dissolve overnight.  Had Tiger Woods faced the constituencies he disappointed, accepted responsibility, apologized in a more personal and comprehensive manner, made some restitution, and reaffirmed the importance of the values he so disgraced, I believe his position would be a lot more attractive than it appears to be today. 

Down the Present Course

If he keeps on the present course, things are only going to deteriorate even more for Woods.   

I'm not talking about his relationships with his wife and family, friends, sponsors, and professional golf.  What he will lose, finally and irretrievably, is himself. 

For too long, Woods has compartmentalized his life.  The highly controlled, superhuman, picture-perfect life he projected to the world warred with the arrogant, careless, sex addict.  No human can sustain this fiction for long.  No human can remain untouchable forever. 

Woods can begin to think of his unmasking as a gift, an opportunity to reclaim the Real Tiger Woods, and to put down the awful chore of being something that he's not.  But only if he apologizes in person, takes full responsibility, and begins to demolish the fictional Tiger Woods in favor of the all-too-human Tiger Woods yearning to get out.

That's the ultimate power of effective apology: the opportunity to face ourselves with the reality of our own humanity because only from that position do we have the traction to work for redemption. 

It's almost impossible in this country to talk about race without being accused of racism.  That's a shame because we need more, not fewer, conversations about race, and those opportunities diminish when well-meaning people perceive the risks of making mistakes are too high.  The reality is that, as a society, we cannot have meaningful conversations about race without making lots of juicy mistakes. 

As a society, we don't even have a shared vocabulary for talking about racism in America.  As a result, we are preoccupied with proper language about race and avoid talking about the reality of structural racism and how it operates on so many levels in this country.  It's as if we're content to ignore the reality of racism and its legacy as long as we use the proper codes. 

So now comes Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.  In their book Gamechange, authors Mark Halperin and John Heilemann quote Reid as saying privately that Obama, as a black candidate, could be successful thanks, in part, to his "light-skinned" appearance.  Here's the quote: 

He [Reid] was wowed by Obama's oratorical gifts and believed that the country was ready to embrace a black presidential candidate, especially one such as Obama -- a "light-skinned" African American "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one."

The attacks started immediately.  Critics immediately called for Reid to resign, pointing to the example of other instances of politicians and celebrities accused of making racist comments and shouting "double standard."

There's Only One Standard  

Incidents like Reid's must be seen as one thread in a pattern.  Reid's situation is different for all kinds of reasons, not the least of which was the high quality of his response. 

I sincerely apologize for offending any and all Americans, especially African Americans for my improper comments. 

Notice what Reid didn't do.  He didn't hunker down, hoping the controversy would go away.  The apology was immediate.  He didn't deny the quotation.  He didn't claim it was taken out of context.  He didn't offer a conditional apology ("if I offended anyone").  He didn't talk about how his intentions were misinterpreted.  Instead he accepted full responsibility for his "improper comments." 

President Obama immediately accepted Reid's apology, correctly noting that Reid's intent was to praise the president. 

Reid's critics point to the examples of Sen. Trent Lott (who seemed to endorse Strom Thurmond's segregationist vision of America) or Don Imus (who uttered racist comments on air) and a number of other people who were shamed into resigning.  But Reid's situation is different in three ways. 

First, his history is that of an ally of the African-American community. 

Second, the comments attributed to him, as "inartful" as they may be, reflect a reality that, while unattractive, is universally recognized to be accurate in both the dominant and minority cultures of America.   

Third, Reid's response was a model of effective apology.  He reached out not only to "everyone within the sound of my voice," but to several prominent African-Americans, including House Democrats Jim Clyburn of South Carolina and Barbara Lee of California; the Rev. Al Sharpton; CNN political contributor and Democratic strategist Donna Brazile; NAACP chairman Julian Bond; and the head of the Leadership Conference on Civil Rights, Wade Henderson.  Like the president, all accepted Reid's mea culpa.

Clueless White Guy

At most, Senator Reid is guilty of being a clueless white guy.  And I know, because I'm also a clueless white guy.  He brought up two issues so packed with dynamite that no one wants to talk about them. 

The first is the issue of color hierarchy in American Society.  This is not the place to debate the issue.  Can we just admit color hierarchy operates within race and across race?  There's even a technical term for it.  Colorism.   In simple terms, lighter-skinned people are privileged over darker-skinned people. 

The second issue is about whether there is a "Negro dialect" and, if so, whether it's somehow unfair or inauthentic to be able to turn it on or off.  Some people criticize Reid for even using the word "Negro."

Cable and the blogs are having a field day with Reid's "inartful" language, but they rarely get into the structural reality of racism and the way real people experience the pain of racism in their daily lives.   One exception was the Rachel Maddow show of January 11, 2009.  Transcript here.   Her guest, Tricia Rose, professor and chair of the Africana Studies Department of Brown University, provided a very clear articulation of the contextualization of apology.  Here is part of the conversation between Dr. Rose and Maddow: 

ROSE:  Where is the outrage for the extraordinary range of unequal circumstances for African-Americans? I mean, the literature is filled with it. Not only for the specific support for Reid`s point -- which is that color matters and that there`s a color hierarchy and that the blacker someone is somehow considered to be, whether it`s dialect, whether it`s style, whether it`s clothing, no matter, you know, dance, whatever it is, that those associations serve to reduce one`s viability no matter the gift, those facts are all over the literature.

Maybe it would have been more helpful if Reid had said to me and I think in my opinion, his apology had been included with a statement, something like -- well, you know, the fact of this is what is in crisis and we should be putting our time and energy in addressing the injury, pain, suffering, and inequity that results from these realities. Now, we`re having a conversation. Now, we`re getting somewhere.

MADDOW: It seems to me like we will -- we will know that we`ve started to grow up when we have fights about racism instead of fights about calling one another racists.

Balsamiq Studios is a software firm based in Sacramento, CA and Bologna, Italy.  Recently, Founder and CEO Giacomo "Peldi" Guilizzoni apologized for releasing buggy software for one of its products.  This is a common problem for software companies.  What is extraordinary here is the quality of Peldi's apology and the responses it generated.  Here's the apology:    

Hi friends.

So I made a big mistake today. No, I made a few. I was so excited about the new pan feature that I decided to release it without testing it properly.

Not only, I also ran out the door right after the build was live to run some errands (I already hated Christmas shopping before, now I REALLY hate it).

Anyways, I ran back as soon as I saw your emails, comments and GetSatisfaction posts on the iPhone, but it took a while because of...you guessed it...Christmas shopping traffic. As soon as I got home, here's what I did to fight the fire I set under my own butt:

·       rolled back the bad build

·       Val helped me tell everyone about the rollback, while I found and fixed the build (it was something really stupid)

·       I'm writing this blog post while eating humble pie (tasty!)

Anyways, the new build with the fix will be live by the time I finish writing this, I'll update the post when it's ready.

In the meantime, I'd like to apologize to all of you who were affected by this bug. You're our early adopters, our best customers, we NEED you, and upsetting you like this hurts me in the stomach. I truly am sorry for this 2-hour mess-up.  I will also apologize to Valerie, Marco and Mariah for putting them in this little mess.

It might be a small consolation, but I'd like to offer any of you who installed 1.6.55 a free license of Mockups for Desktop to give away to someone for Christmas (I hear it makes for a great present for the in-laws).

Just send me an email venting about how I messed up your day today (I deserve it), and I'll send you a Mockups for Desktop key, no questions asked. peldi@balsamiq.com

Ok, let me go check on the new build...

Peldi

Analysis

Normally, I'd subtract a few points from any apology for too much explanation.  Readers of this blog know that explanations in apologies usually devolve into excuses.  But in this case, the explanation is part of the charm of the apology and does nothing to take away from its rigor.  Peldi's self-deprecating humor focuses all the responsibility on himself.  He specifies the offense that he, alone, was responsible for.  It names the parties that he apologizes to.  He makes restitution by giving customers he inconvenienced a free license to another product.  And he ends by focusing on doing his job.  In fact, the apology would be perfect if Peldi had ended it by promising not to repeat the mistake. 

Evaluation

Recognition:  A

Responsibility:  A+

Remorse:  A+

Restitution: A

Repetition:  B

Overall Score:  A

Customer Responses

Don't take my word for it.  Check out some of the comments that the apology generated.  This supports my belief that the world is a lot less punitive than we fear it is.  Everyone makes mistakes.  It's not what we do that counts so much, as what we do about what we do. 

Peldi, I can't do any less than congratulate you for this. As a customer of Balsamiq, but mostly as an entrepreneur in the making, I never cease to be amazed by your openness, your honesty, and your attitude towards your customers. Being so sincere in public can't be easy, and I'm amazed at how easy you always make it look. You really are an example to follow, and are raising the bar for all other entrepreneurs as to how we should behave. Thank you for running an awesome company, and for being an awesome guy.

I heartily agree with Daniel M.'s response and he beat me to the reply I would have have written - well said Daniel. Also as a micro-startup, you guys are helping me thoroughly understand the in's and out's of the (huge) work involved. Just your list of "tools we use" made me put your team on a pedestal, so it would take far more than a bad build to change my opinion! Your openness and honesty is the future of company customer relations. Cheers, and here's to more of the same Excellence in the New Year!  Best Regards,  Ben

Peldi - not only is your apology accepted, we actually THANK YOU for your hard work, dedication and willingness to admit when things don't work out the way you planned. I have learned my lesson the hard way, too, by pushing a production release out the door then getting on an airplane! (before wifi was available...). Needless to say, you only do something like that once and you remember it. You continue to amaze me at how well you do the right thing. Val was right when she and I spoke a few months ago: we are all so lucky to have you leading the way! Don't knock yourself too hard. It happened, you did the right moves to correct it and it is now part of your experiences. In fact, I forgot what you were apologizing for... Paul

Peldi,  Life is not about not making mistakes, it's about repairing them when we make one (and we all do), and you did that in just two hours. Com'on i doubt anyone could nurture negative feelings about a mistake and such a hasty and honest reaction.  All of you have a safe Christmas, and let it not be a mockup of positive feelings for mankind, but the real thing!   Alex

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past is a 2009 American romantic comedy film whose plot is based on Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Filmed in Boston, the movie stars Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Garner and Emma Stone.  Ghosts of Girlfriends Past basically takes the plot of Dickens' familiar novel and reframes it into the story of an emotionally shallow ladies' man who is visited by the ghosts of girlfriends past, present, and future. 

Connor Mead (McConaughey), a womanizing bachelor and high-profile photographer with a disdain for marriage, goes to the wedding of his younger brother.  Connor soon encounters his former sweetheart, Jenny (Garner), and eventually manages to offend the majority of the guests with his views on romance.  In the meantime, he destroys the wedding cake and seduces the bride's mother.  All in all, Connor is a nightmare of a wedding guest. 

After being kicked upside the head by the three ghosts, Connor finally wakes up to his shallowness and resolves to redeem himself before it is too late.  He realizes how offensive he's been.  Connor rushes to rescue the wedding that he undermined by intercepting the bride who has fled the wedding.  Unfortunately, to do this Connor's had to knock out the bride's father who tried to protect his daughter.  At this point, Connor delivers his apology:

Connor:  I'm sorry about destroying your wedding cake, going to second base with your mother, knocking  your dad unconscious right there, and basically breaking up your wedding.  I'm sorry. 

It's rare to get a movie apology that is so direct and specific.  Most apologies, in the movies as well as in real life, are either indirect ("I'm sorry for anything I may have said that offended you") or unspecific ("I'm sorry about what happened").  Connor's apology takes direct responsibility for not one but four highly-specific offenses without attempting to explain, rationalize, or talk about how his good intentions went awry.

The apology, so direct, simple, and specific, is the only thing that causes the bride to listen to Connor's subsequent speech about fighting for intimacy, risking getting hurt, and refusing to run away from emotional attachment.  Wonderful things can happen when we tell the impeccable truth about ourselves. 

For once, Tiger Woods is using his head, instead of another body part that has visited so much trouble on him and his family.

As the carefully constructed public image of Tiger Woods continued its disintegration, Woods finally delivered a statement that, for the first time, demonstrated his acknowledgment that while he may be entitled to a measure of privacy, he is not entitled to total secrecy.  His latest statement:

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I've done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What's most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

Most experts (see what the Apology Index has to say) do not think this apology will be the last word, and I agree.  Still, it's useful for Woods to be more specific.  What were "transgressions" are now "infidelities."  The time will come when he will be even more specific, not to satisfy the public's titillation, but because Tiger Woods will understand that it is in his long-term interest to tell the immaculate truth about himself. 

Restitution

I regard Wood's decision to take a break from golf as a form of restitution, something that every effective apology requires. 

Taking a hiatus from golf is an acknowledgment that he is not entitled to the benefits and privileges that were offered to him on the basis that he was, in fact, the faithful husband and father who shared the conventional values and morals that he led his sponsors and fans to expect he shared. 

But Woods can't get by with impersonal statements on his Web site.  Soon he will have to speak more personally. And when he does, he will not only acknowledge that his critics have a right to accuse him of being a self-serving hypocritical cheat and serial adulterer with little regard for the wife and children and morals he professes to value, but that on some level, he agrees with them. 

Skip to next paragraphFaced with an avalanche of women who now claim extra-marital affairs with the world's most famous and wealthiest athlete, Woods has been in seclusion, his life and career entirely unworkable, his ads pulled from the air, the butt of jokes. 

To redeem himself, he will have to face the reality of what he is, all too imperfect, just like the rest of us.  Excruciating?  No doubt.  But ultimately liberating.  No human being can long sustain the expectations of perfection that Woods conspired to impose on himself. 

Controlling Outcomes

Effective apology becomes workable when people finally give up the illusion that they can control outcomes.  The legendary control that Woods maintained on the golf course is totally usefulness to him.  Control has been everything to Woods and his handlers.  They have built a billion-dollar empire around the pristine cultivation of a set of images that are crashing around them. 

No doubt the Woods camp is desperate to cling to that empire and is fearful of losing it.  But the world might not be as punitive as Woods or his handlers think it is.  The evidence is clear.  When people are forthright about their shortcomings and limitations, apologizing when necessary, they find their scope increases.  Penelope Trunk, the Brazen Careerist blogger, was at one time a financial columnist for Yahoo.  For years she was fearful that the disarray in her personal finances would become known and she would lose the column.  Then she decided that she was only as vulnerable as her secrets.  She revealed her circumstances.  The result?  The column continued with a somewhat less fearful columnist. 

Consequences

Will there be consequences to Woods?  Absolutely.   But the consequences will flow from the fact of his behavior, not their disclosure.  This is confusing for many people.  They disclose and they get punished.  It's tempting to think that punishment attaches to the disclosure.  But the punishment really responds to the underlying conduct.  It's tempting, then, to try to "get away with it" by lying or covering up.  But we all know what happens then.  The stakes just go up, and the facts come out anyway.   

Apology is not cost-free.  It's just less costly than any of the alternatives.

Woods is slowly coming to terms with this reality.  Stay tuned. 

The Bridges of Madison County is a romantic drama film based on the best-selling novel by Robert James Waller.  

The film is set in the summer of 1965. It tells the story of Francesca (Meryl Streep), a lonely, passionate Italian housewife in Iowa. While her husband and children are away at the Illinois State Fair, she meets and falls in love with a photographer (Clint Eastwood) who has come to Madison County, Iowa to create a photographic essay for National Geographic on the covered bridges in the area. The four days they spend together are a turning point in her life and she writes of her experience in a diary which is discovered by her children after her death. Eastwood directed and Streep was nominated for the Academy Award for Best Actress in 1996.  (She lost to Susan Sarandon in "Dead Man Walking.")

In this scene, early in the film, Robert and Francesca are just getting to know each other and the sexual attraction is palpable.  The conversation quickly goes to the limitations of Francesca's marriage and life in Iowa until Robert puts his foot in his mouth and almost destroys the evening.   

Robert:  Do you want to leave your husband?

Francesca:  No.  [bristling] Of course not!

Robert:  [immediately realizing his error]  I'm sorry about that.  I apologize. 

Francesca:  What made you ask such a question?

Robert:  I thought that's what we were doing.  Asking questions.  It was stupid . . . I'm sorry.  I apologize.  [he admits defeat and gets up from the table]  I guess I should be going.

Francesca [not wanting him to go]:  Look, I'm sorry  . . .

Robert:   .  .  . No.  I apologize.  You must forgive me.  It was a very indiscrete question.  It was dumb.

Hoarding the Responsibility

What I love about this apology is that Robert refuses to be let off the hook.  His remark was a mistake and hurtful.  It created immediate tension.  Francesca tries to defuse the tension by also apologizing, but Robert will have none of it. 

Francesca didn't do anything wrong.  He specifies what he is apologizing for and won't back off.